Negotiating Conflict with Emotional Intelligence: 4 Simple Steps to Resolve Conflict

by Joshua Freedman

Recently, at a meeting, I witnessed an emotional intelligence train wreck. Opposing views led to entrenched positions and escalating conflict. As I watched, I just kept thinking:

It would be so easy to negotiate if people just used a scrap of emotional intelligence.

How? Here are 4 simple steps to resolve conflict and get agreement… get real about a solution.

The 4 steps spell REAL: Relax, Engage, Ask, Listen

1. Relax

When you walk into a meeting “wound up,” people immediately feel that. It doesn’t matter if you’re coming to attack them, or just stressed by something completely unrelated… if you walk in tense, or rushed, or anxious… you create resistance.

Neuroscience: Emotional contagion happens automatically — even the smell of stress triggers it!

2. Engage

I’m conflict avoidant. I make all kinds of assumptions that people won’t like me, they’ll attack me, et cetera. So when I see emotional complexities, my first reaction is to avoid. This, of course, almost always fails to move the situation toward resolution. The “secret” is to raise the issue in a neutral, curious way, for example: “It seems like we’re not quite connecting… I’m feeling some stress, how about you?”

Neuroscience: Simply naming emotions reduces reactivity.  When we identify feelings and label them, we’re connecting the cognitive brain with the emotional experience — that’s the basis of emotional intelligence.

The “secret” to conflict resolution? Raise the issue in a neutral, curious way, for example: “It seems like we’re not quite connecting… I’m feeling some stress, how about you?”

3. Ask.*

When you are in conflict, people usually focus on their differences. Instead, ask questions that help you discover your common ground. What are you BOTH trying to achieve? What is your shared goal or purpose?

Let’s say you are giving feedback about someone’s work, and it’s not great.  You can start by saying, “here are the 22 things wrong with your crappy work…” or, you can start by saying, “I want to be sure we’re on the same page about the goals.  Here’s what I think we are trying to accomplish…”

As Daniel Shapiro, the head of Harvard’s International Negotiation Program, says: The secret to handling emotions in conflict is to move out of an oppositional, me-vs-you stance. More about that below.

Neuroscience: Trust is reciprocal. There’s actually an emotion chemical called oxytocin that’s the basis of trust — and a feeling of caring. When we’re working toward a shared purpose that we all care about, trust is likely to grow.

To solve conflict, get on the same side of the issue.

What is the shared goal?

4. Listen

Think of the cliché used car salesman who talks a mile a minute trying to convince you… do the opposite.  What I call “the first rule of emotional intelligence” is: When people feel pushed, they resist. To go in depth on this idea, explore my new book: Emotion Rules.

Don’t push: Pull. Offer. Invite. Listen. Make space.  

Neuroscience: There’s fascinating new research on stress showing that, among other pressures, stress gives us a nudge to connect.  In a challenging situation, stress can push us apart, but if you listen to what’s really happening for the other people, it can pull you together.

It’s hard to listen; even when they do try, people usually listen for the facts, for what’s said, for what the other person means.

Instead, try listening for what is not said. Listen for emotions. Listen for what matters to the other person.

Asking Better Questions to Solve Conflict with Emotional Intelligence

* More about step 2, Ask.

In step 2, I mentioned the incredible insights from Daniel Shapiro (from Harvard’s International Negotiation Program)?  He talked about moving out of an OPPOSITIONAL STANCE — and coming to stand on the same side so you & your former adversary are now standing shoulder-to-shoulder facing a mutual challenge.  It’s not a technical, cognitive skill — it’s an application of emotional intelligence, and the Six Seconds process for practicing emotional intelligence: 

Know Yourself, tune in. Notice your own feelings and reactions.

Choose Yourself, deescalate. Decide to get off of autopilot and engage.

Give Yourself, step together. Use empathy and your purpose to come together.

If you don’t want to get caught up in dissent, move so you’re standing next to the other person.  One of the power-tools here is adding just a little empathy. When you bring empathy to the process, you tune in and hear what’s beneath the surface. You connect. You find that while you disagree, you’re actually in this together.

If you want to go deep on asking better questions, join the EQ Coaching community. We have a monthly free webinar called Coaching Connections where you can learn and practice these skills — then go deeper with EQ Coach Certification. 

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